Who Gets the Control

Having a conversation with a total stranger this morning on tumblr because he thinks my tumblr is ‘hot and very sexy’.

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Well, duh… (this is me and my mind pictures and words… of course it’s fucking hot and very sexy :P)

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Anyway.

He tells me that we can talk about anything that I want to talk about. I’m cranky, grumpy, tired and emotional… but, sure… I’ll carry the conversation. Why not?

Me: What do you like about my tumblr?
Him: Well, I like the sex and that you like being controlled.
Me: I do. By the right person.
Him: What’s the right person?

So this gets me thinking… the thing is that I really do love being controlled. But… not by just anyone. So who gets the control?

disclaimer: this is written with male pronouns because that is usually who gets the control in my life. very few women have ever compelled me to submit in any way

– There is a chemistry there that is hard to define. A Dominance within him that tugs on the submission within me. This is a part that cannot be faked or forced and it has only happened a handful of times in my entire life. It doesn’t have to manifest as a full on D/s dynamic. Daddy had this long before we even knew what D/s was. With the handful of others that it has happened with, it has been an almost immediate response to their energy. Totally inescapable and undeniable when it does happen.

– He is in control of himself… of his life, his money, his routines, his emotions and his responses to me, to situations that arise in life, to complications, to problems and difficulties. Control is one of the most important pieces to the who-gets-control puzzle.

– He likes to be in control. I mean, really likes the control. Gets off on it sort of likes it. He likes making decisions. He gets off on controlling his world, not just me. The desire for control radiates off of him. Making decisions comes naturally to him.

– He can be in control without being a dick. This one is super fucking important. Being in control and being a dick are two very different things. Controlling through mean, abusive, violent, passive aggressive or degrading behavior is not control. It’s abuse and you are being a dick.

– He is someone who understands that good D/s is about both sides of the slash. It’s about both sides getting their needs met. It’s about both sides finding satisfaction in their part of the dynamic. It’s about both sides growing, learning, flourishing within the dynamic. It’s about both sides being nurtured. He knows that good D/s is not just about getting his dick sucked or buttsex anytime he wants it.

– He is someone who knows how to clearly set boundaries and can consistently hold both of us to those boundaries… firmly but without being a dick. He has taken the time to get to know me and understands what methods of reward, discipline and punishment render the best results for me and has used that knowledge to develop our boundaries and the repercussions if those boundaries are overstepped.

– He is someone who gets off on protocol and communication and personal growth and mutual stretching of comfort zones. He is someone who gets off on planning the moments where all of that comes into play, be that a scene, a date, an assignment, any number of moments that solidify the dynamic and bring us deeper into it.

– He understands that the control I hand over is precious to me and he treats it with respect. D/s is not a game to him. It’s more than a power trip. It’s more than barking orders and showing those watching what he can ‘make’ me do.

– He knows what he wants and communicates his needs and expectations clearly and expects the same of me. He creates a safe place for the truth and for those communications.

– He doesn’t settle.

– He doesn’t waver.

– He is consistent and follows through. Follows through on making sure protocols are respected and followed. Follows through on plans and curiosities that we talk about. Follows through on discipline and repercussions.

– He pays attention and plans things accordingly. He knows me better than I know myself and creates our dynamic around that knowledge (see the part where this is about both sides of the slash)

– He sets high expectations and values me enough to know confidently that I will rise to those expectations.

– He is flexible and understanding even while being in control. He is careful to take my mindset and mood into consideration when making decisions. He doesn’t let me tell him how it’s going to be, but he does care enough to take those important factors into consideration (again… he’s not a dick).

– He allows the dynamic to be defined by the two of us and what works for us. He understands that our D/s is what we make of it and looks like what WE need it to look like, not what anyone else says it should look like or be.


This list pretty much defines the ideal Dominant to me. And, it is just that… a written out version of an ideal, an image of perfection. Most people would not be able to be all of those things, all of the time.

Being most of them, most of the time would be an excellent start.

Being some of them most of the time could most definitely yield positive results.

The chemistry, the pull is probably the most important thing followed closely by consistency and being in control of himself.

{ 05.19.2016 }

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