So I read this article on Fetlife — So, You Want to Play with my Sub — and, of course, it created all the thought bubbles in my head and so here we are with a new post.
I like everything the writer has to say in the article. I agree with him 100 percent. If you are a new Dom or new to the scene or even just new to the sub you would like to play with, there is a very wrong way and several right ways to go about doing asking to do so. The writer of the article stopped at saying no to the interested person who went about asking in the wrong way, but I believe there is more to be said on the subject. If there is a wrong way to do something, then it stands to reason that there is also a right way to do it. Working off the premise that the only reason an interested party would approach a Dom in the way described in the original article, is that they are very uneducated about the lifestyle, about protocol, possibly even about manners, I offer some advice to possibly do it better.
I am no expert in D/s or BDSM. I am only about 4 years into this lifestyle, but I am active in my local scene, I have a very large kink family and I pay attention when someone has something to teach me. The views I am about to express are only my humble gatherings, given from the perspective of a sub/ bottom in a poly relationship, of thought shared in the hopes of helping someone, somewhere add a little piece of knowledge or enlightenment.
Every D/s dynamic no matter how light or heavy has it’s own rules or protocol on the subject of playing with others. The possibilities for right and wrong ways to ask to play with either partner of any dynamic are sure to be wildly varied and diverse.
It has taken Daddy and I a long time to figure out what our rules and protocol should be when it comes to the possibility of playing with others in the realm of BDSM vs. as swingers. It does seem that we have finally settled on a way that works for us. It allows us both variety but of the sort that is bubble wrapped for safety.
So, you want to play with me or my Daddy or both of us? Ok, that could certainly be fun. Let’s see how we can make this work.
I am a have all the experiences kind of girl, as you may have heard me mention a time or two. But at the same time as I like to experience all the things, I also want to be kept safe. I want to keep my marriage in tact and strong. I want those experiences to be enjoyable for everyone involved. Probably easier said than done, but we have come up with a few ways to help achieve those goals.
Start by understanding that Daddy and I will always be each others’ primary partners. That my safety and the security of our relationship trumps everything else. We do not care if your feelings get hurt. If we feel either of these things will be compromised by allowing you into our little circle of trust, we will not allow you access. Since we are the ones who will be left to pick up any pieces that our playmates break either of us into, we are careful about who we choose to consider playing with and who we allow each other to play with. But the guidelines are pretty straightforward.
From Daddy regarding a request to play with me (or any of the women who have entrusted themselves to his care):
1. Realize who you need to get to know (a hint: it’s not the sub(s)). Take some time to get to know ME before you ask to play and not just as a means to an end, but have a genuine interest in knowing me as a person. She is MY princess, my wife, the mother of my children. I have put in 14 years of loving her, protecting her, learning her. I am not likely to turn her over to anyone who cannot show respect to my place in her life. If you see us in person and wish to express your interest, I hope you will. She loves compliments and attention. She is my pride, I love to know when people have enjoyed watching us. Wait until our scene AND after care are complete. Introduce yourself. Be genuine. Be respectful. Express your interest but don’t expect me to throw her back up on the cross and hand you a flogger just because you show interest in her.
2. Be prepared to put in some time. That means you may have to communicate online with us for a bit, we might have to spend some rather boring vanilla time together. I want to see you interact with me, with her, with other people. There may come a time when you may be able to play with her alone, but that time will only come AFTER several times of playing with her in my presence and most likely with my involvement and oversight. This goes for topping her or having sex with her and pretty much anything in between. I take my responsibility to protect her very, very seriously. If you can’t respect that, then you will never get to play with her. If you are willing to put in the time to get to know her, to get to know me, you will earn an entirely new respect from me and be much more likely to be brought into our circle. If you can’t be assed to put in the time it takes to learn a thing or two about her before I give you the power to do potential damage to my most precious possession and the trust not to break her, then you do not deserve that time and you will never get it.
3. Be respectful. Anytime and every time you interact with either of us, be respectful of us as people, as a couple and as Daddy/princess. If you cannot do this then you have no place in our lives. But, know this, if you show us that respect we will return the same respect to you. We are interested in forming long lasting connections in our community that make us stronger in ourselves, in our marriage and in our dynamic. We hope to do the same sort of building up in your life.
4. Pay attention. If you are learning, new to the scene, new to the dynamic, the role, whatever… then pay attention and apply the things you learn while getting to know us. You will need the information when it comes time to actually play. Call me old fashioned but I believe you have to go to school before you graduate and get the big payday. If you aren’t new to the scene, then I shouldn’t have to explain this one to you. Good tops, good Doms know to pay attention, they do so almost out of habit. Constantly learning from every little thing. If you treat either of us carelessly, you’re not going to get very far.
5. Be in it for the long haul. I don’t trust many people under normal circumstances and even fewer in this situation. Being actively in this lifestyle in our Daddy / princess roles for a little over three years now, I can count the number of people (men or women) who I would entrust her too on six fingers and several of them are still in the play only in my presence stage of the process. I’m not saying it will take years for me to trust you enough to give the sought after permission, but it won’t be a rushed decision. If you’re interested in her, in us… then be interested. Stay interested.
6. Don’t be pushy and don’t attempt to dis-include me from the dynamic. This is almost like a courtship. Don’t be pushy with either of us. Don’t be sneaky. Don’t cross the boundaries. As the trust is built, as the comfort level is developed the boundaries will continuously be erased and re-drawn. I am the one holding the chalk. If you can engage us in a way that gets our attention and allow a dynamic to develop naturally from that engagement, I will be continuously re-drawing the line allowing for more and more freedoms for all involved. I will be a part of the dynamic. What part can be discussed but there will never be a time when I will be completely out of the picture and you will have free reign to what is mine. Attempts to isolate her and dis-include me will damage the trust and comfort level. If you are looking for solo play with no strings attached, you are simply in the wrong place.
7. Don’t break the trust. When the trust has been developed. When the comfort level has been established. When the permission to play alone has been granted. You will have earned it. Don’t break the trust that you’ve taken the time to so carefully cultivate. This is where all of the pieces come together and as I let go and allow you unsupervised access to the most important person in my life, be careful with her. Mind your p’s and q’s and treat her with the respect you’ve shown yourself to posses. Don’t break my toy because I won’t want to have to break you. If we’ve gotten this far, I’m bound to like you… probably a great deal… I might even consider you family. I would hate to have to hurt my family. So don’t give me reason too.
8. Communicate. If the three of us cannot talk, discuss, debate and communicate, it’s simply not going to work.
9. Don’t call her princess. She is my princess. Whatever she becomes to you, she will always be MY princess.
This is expressed in great detail and may come across sounding a little bit arrogant like the princess pussy is the holy grail. That is not the intention. The intention is to express just how big of a decision this is. It’s not like borrowing my flogger or my paddle. You are asking to play with the most precious person in my life. To me, that is kind of a big deal and deserves to be treated as such. If you feel differently, you probably won’t want to bother even asking to play in the same sandbox she is in.
From me regarding interest to play with my Daddy:
My list is much shorter and less detailed. I have more experience sharing him than he has with sharing me. We’ve had several long time girlfriends and so I’ve had plenty of time to learn what is ok and what is not when it comes to new women in his life. Plus there are just far fewer predatory women looking for tops / Doms than there are men looking for women of a submissive / bottom nature.
Also, I do not have the same responsibilities to keep him physically safe that he has for me. I don’t need to watch the way you play with him b/c you might hit him too hard or tie him too tight, you might put your hand around his throat too tightly or you might get him pregnant if the two of you have sex. These are not concerns for me so my list of requirements is shorter simply b/c there is much less threat of damage.
1. Take some time to get to know me. We don’t have to be involved with each other. We don’t even have to be friends. We don’t have to spend a lot of time together. But I am going to want to know who you are, what kind of person you are, what you are looking for out of whatever relationship develops between the two of you. I’m very easy to get along with. I’m very comfortable sharing him as long as I don’t feel you threaten what we’ve spent all these years building. I will decide if you are a threat to my home, to my life, to my marriage and that decision won’t be questioned. You should know this going in. I’m also not opposed to becoming friends. And, if the chemistry is right, becoming lovers. I’m easy like that.
2. If you are interested in playing with him, approach either one or both of us, in person or online. Be genuine. Be respectful. Express your interest. We are pretty good at taking it from there.
3. Be respectful and drama free. Be respectful of me, of my place in his life. Do not try to usurp me and plant yourself in that place. I promise you, you will be incapable of such a feat. Be respectful of his life, of his time, of him. He is a good man and he deserves respect, and respect without drama. We have very little drama in our life and no more than that is welcome. If you are a drama queen or thrive on drama you won’t last long, if you even get through the gates.
4. Communicate. The same goes here as went for those looking to play with me. We all must be able to communicate as adults. It’s a treacherous lifestyle we have decided to engage in. It cannot be navigated without communication.
5. Don’t call him Daddy. He is MY Daddy. I do not share that with anyone.
If you are looking to play with a sub or a Dom in an already established dynamic putting some of these things to good use in contacting them might do you world’s better than just a message saying, “Hey, dude. Your chick’s hot. Can I play with her?” or even worse than that is a message sent directly to the sub requesting playtime… SERIOUSLY… DO NOT BE THAT GUY. Just don’t.
For most people in this lifestyle, no matter how their dynamic is laid out, this is not a game, it’s not role play. It is the way we live our lives. It is who we are at our very core. That is not something to take lightly.