“Why don’t you EVER make the first move?” he asked, irritation and accusation heavy in his voice. “Why do I ALWAYS have to be the one to ask for sex, to initiate sex?” He was totally exasperated and the words were nearly spit at me. I didn’t have a good answer for my ex-husband any of the seemingly million times he asked me this and I was always so lost as to why it was such a big deal. I rarely ever declined his advances. I rarely ever said no to sex when he initiated it. So why the whining because he had to do most of the initiating? Why couldn’t he be happy that I didn’t say no… that I was so willing to go whenever he asked? I think I always said something along the lines of, isn’t the guy supposed to do the asking? Lame, I know. But, it was all I had at the time.
I was always so perplexed by the question, whether asked in a fit of frustration (as with my ex husband) or out of genuine curiosity (as with Daddy). I never understood why the only way to show my desire was to be the one initiating sex. I never understood, and still don’t why my nearly immediate and eager, happy, enthusiastic responsiveness wasn’t enough to show my desire. Why did I have to be the aggressor?
I still don’t really understand that part of the question, but now, with many years of growth and thousands and thousands of hours of introspection behind me, I think I finally have a much better answer as to why I don’t initiate sex more often.
A couple of things play into the answer. One: I love to be pursued, this is a simple truth of being me. Two: I am quite submissive with the right lover and get off on my lover using physical force and/or verbal instructions to direct me during intimacy (taking the lead). But the main thing is… I don’t initiate sex more often than I do simply because I am more of a responsive lover and less of an aggressive one.
I love sex, I truly do. I am a very lusty girl. I love talking about sex. I love thinking about sex. I love flirting. I love having sex. I love making out. I love secret, stolen looks and touches. I love completely obvious desire and need.
But… I am also a girl with about 500k tabs open in my brain at any given time and those lovely, erotic thoughts only make up a few of the open tabs. These constant and sometimes overwhelming tabs of my life are somewhat prohibitive when it comes to being the aggressor in sex. While I love sex, love love LOVE it… it is not usually the dominant tab open in my head. It tends to get buried among the millions of other busy things that I have to do, the other responsibilities that I have to tend too. However…
Should you take the time to flip through the tabs and shut the not so fun ones, leaving only the lusty tabs open in my brain… you will not be disappointed with the lover I will become for you. I may not initiate the sexual encounter all that often, but when I respond to your initiation of it, I respond with my whole being… my body, my mind, my soul. I will belong to you in that moment. I will be malleable. There will be nothing else in the world except me and you. I will respond to every touch, every kiss. My body will become your playground… your amusement park and you will have tickets for every ride.
With the closing of every tab that is open in my very overactive brain, a little bit more of me will become yours. I will respond physically… chills covering my skin, legs parting, back arching into you, breath catching, eyes fluttering closed, body writhing beneath your touch. It won’t take long and I’ll be reaching for you with light strokes and gentle kisses.
My mind will begin to go quiet as your fingers pressing forcefully into my flesh close more of the tabs and short circuit my thought process. You will quickly become my focus as the responsibilities are stripped from me by your kiss, the worries lifted by your demanding touch. My kisses will become more insistent, my touch more needy… my lust will grow into a hunger, it will begin to consume me and I will pull you into that lust… clawing and biting, sweet giggles alternating with wantonly impure desires.
My soul will respond, it will begin seeking yours through my touch, the sighs slipping past my lips searching for place in your ears, my fingers exploring the road map of your skin for the sweet spots I know so well… the places that will draw your soul to mine through the combined heat of our touch. I will watch your face as my lust builds to match yours and my hands and lips, my teeth, my tongue claim you, mark you, make you as much mine as you are making me, yours… I will sing for you. My body will dance for you. My soul will leave it’s mark on yours as my body becomes yours, reaches for you and meets your need in a fiery volcano of lust.
I am not an aggressive lover but, you will know it if I want you as a lover… the chemistry between us will be nearly palpable. And, if I’ve come to a place of wanting you as a lover, you have already proven that you can close the tabs and that you are willing too. I will want that. I will need it. I will respond wantonly to it.
But, no matter the intensity of the chemistry between us or how effectively you can close the tabs, I will most likely not take the first step in our dance; however,I promise that if you do… I will follow your lead in a way that will leave us both breathless.