I am the kind of person who functions best with very clearly defined expectations of anything from a task to the relationships I engage in. I don’t do well with vague, I don’t do well with shifting. I don’t do well with unexpected change.
This is really hitting home to me today in the realm of my relationships. I’m not talking about new, budding and finding their way relationships. But instead the ones that have already gone past the new relationship energy and settled into what they are. I am very flexible in my ability to have all sorts of different relationships and feelings for people on every level imaginable.
I need clearly defined spaces. I need to know where you feel like I fit in your life, so that I can find my fit there. Your friend. Your crush. Someone you like flirting with. Someone you enjoy playing with from time to time. Someone you love. A potential romantic partner. Someone you desire sexually. Someone you can’t resist. Someone you see yourself knowing 5 years from now, 10, 20. Someone worth your time, your energy, your affection. A girl you know. A girl you say hi to when we see each other. A girl you can’t go a day without talking too.
I’m very good in clearly defined spaces. If you say I’m your friend, I will be your friend. I will laugh with you and I will cry with you and I will talk with you and I will sit quietly with you. I will be your friend until you say I’m not. If I am your crush, I will explore that with you. We’ll see where it goes, where it shakes out. If you say I’m important to you, if you say you like the taste of me that you’ve gotten, if you say you can’t resist me… I will behave accordingly. I will assume that I can speak to you as if I am important to you. I will approach you as if I know I am wanted and desired. I will think about you. I will dream about you. I will be playful and I will need you. I don’t overstep my bounds. I’m happy to be any part of your life if I’ve made an effort to make you a part of mine. But when the relationship becomes muddled, the defined space loses it’s clear lines… I get lost. I don’t know how to talk to you, I no longer know how to approach you, what is ok to say and what is not. This is a terrible place for me to find myself. I make assumptions that end up hurting my heart and eventually I will come to a place of needing that clearly defined space so much that I will define my own space in your life and usually it’s a very small, unobtrusive (and not painful for me) one.
I work hard to let the people who are important know that they are important to me, whatever our relationship is. I suppose I do that because it is something I need in my life. I don’t like feeling lost. I don’t like change. I really don’t like being the last person to know that things have changed, that the lines are no longer clearly defined. Maybe my OCD has spilled over into my relationship needs.
Wanted: Lovers and friends who can clearly and effectively communicate my place in their lives, notify me if said place changes, draw the relationship lines in bold, not easily smudged lines and who can fold towels the way I like, put dishes in the right cabinets and hang clothes the right way on hangers…
Oh dear… I may be hopeless. What a mess of a girl, I am.