Regret

regret

I try every day to live my life in a way that leaves little to regret. I wasn’t sure I would find something to say on this topic when it was presented in my writer’s group {The Kinklings} but this morning I stumbled into a regret and so I’ll share.

I am a designer by trade. I specialize in graphic and website design. I’ve always been creative, as far back as I can remember and I come from a family of creative women. My grandmother and great grandmother are both incredibly talented painters. My mother, amazing behind a camera lens. The list goes on and on. My creativity comes in the form of digital design. I have eyes for it. I can pick it out. I can match the colors. I can do quite a lot with the limited education I have with this particular talent.

Some days I feel like I could conquer the world of digital graphic design with my hands behind my back (that would be seriously talented, don’t ya know?) But I truly feel that way. I create something and I look at it and all I can think is… holy shit, did I really do that? It’s fantastic and it blows me away that it is something I had it in me to create.

Then there are days like today. This morning I am wandering around the internet looking for inspiration for modern resume designs so I can update my resume and because I think there might be some opportunity to offer this as a service in my design business.

I am falling head over heels in love with some of today’s very cool and modern resume designs and getting very excited about what I might be able to do with them by adding my own creative vibe to them and then I stumbled…

I found a link that led to an article (written in some language other than English. I’ve been bested by an article that I can’t even read *sigh*). The article lists the top 10 places online where designers can showcase / sell their work. This seems like it might be a very exciting discovery, right?

Yeah, but not so much when instead of inspiring and challenging me the work on these showcase sites only seems to emphasize my lack of knowledge, my lack of talent, my lack of direction, my lack of motivation, inspiration, ability, education… I don’t feel challenged. I feel overwhelmed and totally and completely out of my league. How do I even begin to compete with these uber talented, college educated, young designers in my field???

regret2This is where my moment of regret begins… When I was 22 years old I was living in Las Vegas. I had my first home computer and I was taking a course in college in digital design. I was working with cutting edge technology and I was IN LOVE with everything to do with that class. I was ridiculously happy that I had discovered what I believed I was supposed to do with my life.

Sounds wonderful, right? Well, my ex-husband never could stand anything that made me happy. He fought me every step of the way during that class. Started fights with me on nights I had homework, refused to buy the software and books I needed, made excuses to keep me home from class, etc. I finally gave up, went to work in the office of the apartment complex we were living in and life went on, got busy and school became a non-option for me.

I loved my work in property management. I did it for a long time. But this last year and four months of being able to actually focus on design work has only shown me that I have the talent, if only I had honed the skills, gotten my education… stuck with it… I wouldn’t be feeling overwhelmed today. I would feel like I was one of them… like I belonged in that community of elite designers doing amazing work… I would be in demand and people would be paying me for the creative gifts I was blessed with.

It is not my only regret in life, but it is one I face fairly regularly in this life I that I usually love wholeheartedly and without regrets.

regret8

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Written for {THE KINKLINGS}
Topic: 2.26.15 REGRET

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