Poly FAQ

I get asked a lot of questions about poly… how we do it… how we deal with certain things… how we would handle certain situations.

As a web developer, the FAQ page is always an important one so why not a Poly FAQ?

So here are some of the questions I hear the most often.

**{DISCLAIMER – I answer these questions from my own pool of poly experience. I am not an expert on poly, love, sex or relationships. I am not a professional therapist or anything of that nature. I am just a girl who has been through some shit, trying to figure this poly life out. Nothing I say here should be taken as the ONLY way to handle a situation or even the best. Most of this is written from the perspective of a married couple and their external partnerings, simply because that is what we are and where our poly begins. This is simply me sharing my experience and hoping it will help someone along their poly road.}**

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{Q} How do you go about meeting someone you might be interested in?

{A} Sometimes we meet the people we are interested in developing relationships with at munches, play parties or other social gatherings. If that is the case we almost always meet them together.
If the connection starts online, we generally follow this pattern:
– We exchange a few messages with the new interest. If the messages look like they might turn into something interesting, we tell the other half about the person and about our interest so that they can go take a look or strike up a conversation with the new interest if they might be so inclined.
– If the messages turn into a desire to meet, we will invite the new interest to meet both of us at xyz event in the community or we will arrange a private dinner with them to see where things might go. With very rare exception, we will both be at the initial meet and greet and if the new interest is married or in a committed, involved relationship we invite the other partner(s) to meet us as well.

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{Q} If everyone is expected to be at the initial meet and greet, how do you transition from group dates to one on one dates?

{A} First I would say, make sure that you and your partner(s) are in agreement that your poly allows for the development of individual external relationships. Ours does. The way we do this is by using a case by case basis system. When I find someone I am interested in developing a separate relationship with, there will be lots of group activities and dates to allow Daddy an opportunity to get to know the person. When he is comfortable with the new interest, we will be able to have time alone with each other. Because we engage in a wide open poly, this doesn’t usually take very long because Daddy will have known about this new interest almost as long as I have and he (Daddy) and I will have engaged in several conversations about this new person as the interest developed.

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{Q} Should we be allowed to fall in love with our external partners?

{A} This one is very, very personal and only you and your partner(s) can determine if it is ok to become deeply emotionally invested in your external partners. We are lovers. We fall in love. We allow each other the ability to develop our external relationships however they develop. It is acceptable for us to fall in love with our other partners, to invest ourselves emotionally into those relationships.

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{Q} How do you determine when each of you can spend time with your other partners?

{A} Cozy calendar has helped tremendously in keeping each of us and our dates and our lives organized. Usually we find time for our partners just like we find time for each other. We look over our calendar, determine what hours and minutes of what days are available after work and kid/family stuff and then we match those dates and times up with our partners’ calendars. We mark the dates on all the calendars so everyone knows what is going and can make their own plans accordingly. I do a lot of my date stuff during the day because I own my own business and that makes my day schedule more flexible. Daddy does a lot of his stuff at night because he works during the day. We generally reserve weekends for group time with our friends (who usually happen to be our other partners).

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{Q} What about spending the night with your other partners or going on vacation with them?

{A} Our other partners are partners with us in our lives. Just like any relationship is likely to do, these relationships will usually develop to a point where overnight visits and weekends away, vacations, etc. will become a desired thing. This one took a while for us to be ok but we have come to a place where we do allow for overnight visits with our other partners. Sometimes they spend that time at our house with us, sometimes we spend that time at their house with them, sometimes those nights are spent in a hotel.
However, these extended visits are something that new partners have to build up too. Just because you are partnered with one of us does not entitle you to overnights or weekends. That time comes with a comfort level and trust that develops as the relationship grows.

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— More to come later (there are so many) —

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