An unexpected benefit of poly love… alone time.
Like real alone time. The kind of alone time that defines a person. The dark of the night, bed all to yourself kind of alone time. It’s very different than alone time during the day when the kids are running around and the phone is ringing and the world is awake, providing distractions.
It’s the kind of alone time that gives you time to think… time to reflect… time to figure out who you are, what you want, what you need… the kind of person you want to be and shows you the kind of person you are.
The first time Daddy spent the night away with his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend), about a year ago, I struggled more than I thought I would. I honestly didn’t think I was going to struggle. Anyone who knows me, knows that compersion is pretty easy for me, I don’t really get jealous, I don’t really have insecurity issues. So the fact that I struggled surprised me a bit. It wasn’t any kind of jealousy or insecurity that created the struggle for me that first night, though. It was more a just not knowing what to do with myself. I watched some tv, played with the kids, did the dinner thing, took a long bath, distracted myself with social media and flirting with a sexy boy (tried to get him to come steal me away for a late night waffle house visit, but he couldn’t be tempted 😉 – which was probably good because we didn’t have permission for that and hadn’t officially met yet lol, but I digress). I didn’t know what to do with myself. The later it got, the more restless I became. I had to take a sleep aid that night, but sleep I did and well. I survived the first sleepover.
With our new loves, the overnights are becoming a more regular thing. They usually happen on the same night, not leaving either of us alone to deal with those late night musings. But, occasionally, they don’t overlap and there is alone time to deal with or to enjoy… I think that is a very important distinction.
When you’ve been married a long time (my whole adult life, in my case) and you have a tendency to make decisions based on the wants and desires of those around you – husband… kids… etc., – alone time is very revealing and the way I choose to spend it continually fascinates me.
Watch a chick flick or a boy movie or my favorite tv show
Surf the internet or play a game
Take a bath or go out for ice cream
Write, read, study, exercise, be lazy
Go to bed at 9 pm or 3 am
Stay in or make plans
Play online or let loose the thoughts in my head
Cook dinner or order out
Work or Tumbl porn
My side of the bed, his side of the bed or the middle
Enjoy my alone time or struggle with it
All my choices to make.
I struggled that first night. I didn’t know how to be at home alone in the evening and overnight. I needed lots of distractions. But, I am learning how to be alone with myself and needing less distractions to do so. I am learning that I enjoy those few hours of getting to know myself and seeing which choices I make when left to my own devices. I love knowing that he is enjoying himself with his other loves and I love that, by being comfortable in my alone time, I am not a distraction to him on those nights. Each time it gets easier to be alone and I need less distractions. I like that… a lot.
I love that he and his loves are comfortable sharing pictures and thoughts from their dates and overnights through our group texts or here on fet. I love seeing how happy they are and how happy having that special time to themselves makes them. I love being a part of that happiness, even if my only contribution is spending that time developing my relationship with myself and enjoying that alone time instead of spending that time worried, freaking out, melting down, being lonely and sad, filling the time with passive aggressive status updates and posts… When you poly the way we do, it’s important to figure out how to be alone from time to time and in that aloneness to find a way to be genuinely happy for the happy that your loves are enjoying in that moment.
I think it’s so important to give each other that space (because this is how we poly) to develop those other relationships and being happy for the happy it creates in those we love.