On Being a Groupie

seven deadly sinsDaddy and I have cracked open the door of our relationship a little over the past few months. It’s farther open than it ever has been before. With that openness, comes an awful lot of introspection and self discovery. I’ve spent lots of time thinking about who I am, what I have to offer to new partners, and where my shortcomings are. Hours and hours spent thinking about what I want and need from new potential partners, new lovers, new dynamics.

I’ve learned a lot about the person who I am and the way that I need to be loved, the way that I need to be interacted with.

One thing I’ve come to know, without doubt or question is that when I assign you a place of importance in my life, I’m not ok with being just a groupie in yours. I’m not ok with just being another girl who wants to fuck you, just another girl who you want to get in bed, just another girl you know, a notch in your headboard. I’m not ok with feeling lost in a sea of partners and playmates. I’m not ok when the heat of our conversations cools, with a distance that grows widening the space between us. I’m not ok with not talking about what we want, what we need, where our relationship is going. I’m not ok with not knowing what’s going on in your life. I’m not ok with being just like all the other girls in your life, not ok just being another girl you talk about fucking.

Don’t misunderstand, I am all good with fucking…   I am ok with one night stands, perfectly ok with random wild sexual encounters that may or may not include getting each others first names.  I’m ok with being a playmate without any strings attached.  I love the occasional stranger fuck, sympathy fuck, don’t want to be alone fuck, you’re hot as fuck let’s fuck fuck and all sorts of casual sexual adventure fucks. But if a man wants a place of importance in my life, it can’t be so casual. At least not for me. I require the same in return.

I’ve watched poly people and open people who collect partners like harems. The partners they collect are often ga ga over them, fawning about and vying for their attention,  fighting each other for it. And as they beg for their attention I can almost see them chuckling, getting off on the power trip of these partners competing for them. I don’t see any way that they can be responsibly meeting their partners’ needs, yet they stay, begging for any scrap of attention they can get lucky enough to have tossed their way. I have found that I steer very clear of those situations.

I won’t compete for attention or affection. I won’t be just another girl. I won’t be a groupie in anyone’s rock star poly.

 

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