My Own Worst Enemy

thoughts1I cannot get my head to shut down. Ever, it seems.

My mind is constantly talking to me and the things it says are not always nice or even a little good.

When something wonderful happens, let’s say I find myself smack in the middle of a fun new attraction to someone. My head gets going convincing me that it is more than it really is. Dwelling on the smallest look, the tiniest touch, the slightest innuendo spoken. When validation doesn’t come in the way I want it or expect it to, my head really gets going. My mind starts whispering of how it was all in my head anyway, that I just imagined that look, that perceived happiness, the want. That it’s all one sided. That just fucks with my mind and my mood.

When I can tell that something is wrong with Daddy but he won’t tell me what, my head immediately goes to all the worst case scenarios. I didn’t clean the house well enough, didn’t do enough laundry, said something that upset him, didn’t do this, didn’t do that… etc. When in reality it probably has nothing to do with me at all. But I cannot convince myself that it doesn’t.

I don’t think it’s a case of grossly disproportional arrogance on my part that everything has to be about me, because those thought processes do not go the other way. When something is making the people I love, that I care about and that I am attracted too exceptionally happy, beautifully content, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside…. those are not feelings my head will take credit for. They almost have to be forced upon me, before I will believe that I could be the cause of them.

What the fuck does this say about me….

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