My Mid-Life Crisis: Only sort of Submissive

midlife1I posted a status update earlier that said I thought I might be going through a mid life identity crisis. This has been on my mind all day. It came up through the course of a conversation Daddy and I had last night about where we are, who we are in relation to each other and where we belong in the lifestyle.

At one time I would have said I was a submissive who could sometimes be a brat and a baby pain slut. After spending the last three years exploring the lifestyle in real life with Daddy, with our local kink families and online I think that definition of who I am in the lifestyle is not entirely accurate or perhaps has changed.

To me, a submissive is someone who exchanges their will completely for anothers. A long term and well defined exchange of power. His wants become her wants. His desires become her desires. A submissive does what she is told when she is told do it. She may have something to say about it, and possibly her Dom will hear her concerns, but it is, ultimately, his decision. When it comes to things sexual, it’s all about what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it, where he wants it. It doesn’t matter her mood or state of mind, it’s not her choice anymore. Wear red panties, go to the gym, mop the floor, have four orgasms before lunch, wear your butt plug to work. If he says do it, she does it. This goes even deeper for slaves and those living 24/7 D/s.

tumblr_luz8nfA8fe1r6l9d3o1_500The internet is full to fucking bursting of images and stories (real and fictional) of submission and dominance that are so beautiful that it is easy to imagine oneself submitting, submitted, being the beautiful girl in the photo kneeling, so full of grace, with her hands bound, waiting patiently for her master to come to her and fulfill her. These images tug so incredibly hard at my submissive heartstrings. I want to be that beautiful girl. But to be her, I have to submit my will to another.

I’ve known throughout the whole journey that being a slave or in a 24/7 D/s would have never worked for me, no matter who the Dominant partner was. I am far too opinionated, independent and moody for those dynamics to work in my life. I don’t want to give up my will to another person. I don’t want to not have a say in the decisions that affect my life. If I’m not in the mood to suck a cock, you’re not gonna want me sucking your cock… I can promise that. And more than likely I’m just not gonna do it. To know, that in those dynamics, that could be demanded at anytime, made those dynamics completely undesirable to me.

There was a time, though, when I thought that I could enjoy some version of full out submission. But every time I’ve tried what was supposed to a long term and committed submission, it has been a pretty miserable failure. The contract, the requesting permission to come to bed, giving over full control in the bedroom, etc.

I’ve struggled and struggled to get my head wrapped around this and figure out just what the hell I want out of this lifestyle. I think I may have finally figured out just why it always fails, just where I might fit into the picture.

And the big reveal is this:

While I may have submissive tendencies, fantasies and desires, I am not a submissive. I’m just not. A more accurate identity would be a brat with submissive tendencies or a bottom with submissive tendencies… a sort of submissive.

The idea of long term committed submission makes me irritated, antsy, and crazy defiant. It might work for a while or on the days when I am feeling super subbie, but it just doesn’t work in the long term for me.

Daddy brought up a good point last night in our conversation. He basically asked if I considered him a Dominant on the level with our Dominant friends, specifically @Darque_Rein and @BrokenRelic. I do consider him a Dominant on the same level as the two of them. Very strong, very worthy of submission and respect. So why, then, can’t I submit to him? I believe (after thinking about it all day) the answer lies in the fact that I don’t believe I am capable of submission to anyone on a full time, live in way. So if I were married to the most dominant person I know, I still believe myself incapable of submission to that person. It is nothing to do with the person and everything to do with the length and depth of the submission and me.

I love to submit for short, specific periods of time. The day of a kink event, date night, coffees, munches, play parties, during a scene, during sex… oh Lord, for sure during sex. And some days I just feel super subbie. I long to submit on those days. In all of these situations, there is plenty of time to get myself into the proper headspace before play. Plenty of time to ensure that when I was directed to get on my knees and suck a cock, I would be eagerly ready to comply with that direction. That is the sort of submission that makes my heart flutter and my panties wet. In these situations, I want to kneel, take orders, be pushed, be held to extremely high expectations, I want to be Dominated. But when it is over, and the subspace wears off, I want to go back to whatever normal is.

I think the idea of “submitting” in real life to someone who is not Daddy, someone who I do not live with, who I do not share my life with, who I do not spend most of my time with, or someone online might work, simply because it is not a full time thing. My submission would only be required when I and that other person could find time to be together and there would be plenty of down time when we were apart.

While I may not be a submissive, there are so many things that I will always do that are submissive-ish and those submissive-ish tendencies will always be primarily service oriented.

I will always respect my husband as the head of our household. I will work hard to ensure that the things that make his life happy and good are done. The house will be picked up and at least mostly clean before he comes home. The bills will be organized and paid responsibly. The family calendar maintained and organized. I will try to keep my car clean and go to the gym and eat right and keep up with the laundry b/c those things make him happy and content. I will always show respect to him. I will cook for him. Make his plate. Serve him if we are in place to do so. I will always belong to him. I have from the very first moment I saw him. I will always be his princess, his slut, his fucktoy, his rock, his safe place. I adore him. I love the way his hands feel pinning my wrists down, around my throat, over my mouth and on my ass.

daddyI believe he hung the moon and the stars in the most perfect way just for me. I love him so deeply that I can’t imagine a world or a life without him in it. He is my Daddy, my protector, my lover, my whole world. He is my perfect other half and on that level, I will always be submitted to him.

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