Lessons Learned… A Chapter That Needs To Be Closed

As the one year mark approaches, some words that have been bouncing around in my head for a while now finally banged themselves into something resembling order and the following fell out.

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From February to October of last year we were involved in our first official poly triad relationship. It was rich in learning experiences and filled with hurt by the end. Tons of mistakes were made by all parties involved. So many things we could have done differently, but then… we wouldn’t have learned what the relationship was meant to teach us.

Looking back, I want to find the lessons that were meant to be learned. I want to pick them out, own them, tuck them away in the compartments of my soul so that they travel with me always and I want to close the chapter, for good. So the question that begs to be asked is… what did I learn?

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I learned

how to color my hair using tinfoil, paintbrushes and real hair color, not the box stuff

that it’s better to use real vanilla extract rather than imitation vanilla extract when baking

how to make fried rice and that fried eggplant is actually pretty good

what a sinfully delicious cheesecake tastes like

that i can make a woman squirt

that three people can sleep in my bed with a little bit of compromise and creativity

how to get a crick out of my neck and the names of lots of body parts i never knew existed

that i love watching Daddy play another woman

that one person really can be both, a total masochist/bottom/sub and a total sadist/top/domme

how to cut a tshirt and tie the sleeves to make it super cute

not to put colored hair in hot water or vigorously shampoo it

that i like Daddy having someone else in his life to do things with that I am not particularly interested in doing with him

how to condition my hair with certain foods from my pantry

that i love kneeling at Daddy’s feet in the dungeon with another pretty girl

that i can truly enjoy being topped by another woman

how to layer colors on my toenails to make the polish prettier

that I can share my bathroom, but not my closet… my bed, but not my bedroom… my dresser, but not my pillow

to use purple eye shadow instead of green to make my green eyes really stand out

that i really like the bands apocolyptica and halestorm

that it’s ok for my husband to love another woman and that he has the capacity to do so

that those velvety black clothes hangers are simply amazing for hanging up my shirts and getting more clothes to fit in my closet

that i love having someone to share clothes and shoes with (haven’t had that since high school)

that sometimes it takes other people to show us things that our spouses have been trying to get us to see forever

 

I also learned

to give a new relationship some time to develop before jumping in with both feet

that i need to take some time to actually get to know someone before giving them a key to my house and open-ended access to my life

that sometimes, no matter how much i want it to work out, it’s just not going to

that there is sometimes no healthy way to keep someone in your life and no easy way to extract them from it

that not all relationships are flexible, not all can evolve… some must just be put to rest, ended

to at least make an effort to see beyond my rose colored glasses and see people for who they truly are rather than expecting them to be a compilation of the good and goodness i see in them

to stay out of the middle of my husband’s external relationships and allow the two of them to work their own stuff out without my intervention

that sometimes people’s perceptions and perspectives are skewed and misshapen and those perspectives can have a very negative effect on the lives of the people around them

that some people are broken in ways in which i cannot even begin to comprehend

that i have no patience whatsoever for drama and woe is me neediness, comparative and competitive attitudes or passive aggressive behavior

that i do not have the emotional capacity or bandwidth to have a full blown one on one romantic relationship with another woman

that no matter how gentle you try to be with someone, you might always always always be a life destroyer in their eyes

that i can be a cold, calculating, heartless bitch of a mean girl (never doubt this. my inner mean girl is brutally mean, which is why she doesn’t get to come out very often)

that i am not ok with another woman bringing drama and strife into my life and that doing so will get you 86’d from my life quick, fast and in a hurry

that there are three sides to every story (his side, her side and the truth) and that when you only hear or have access to one side, it is important to give that side ONLY it’s proper amount of credit when using that story to determine how a person reacts to the things that happen in their lives to them, around them and because of them because eventually you may find yourself being one of the things that happened to them, a one sided story told to the next person who comes into their life to prove just how awful everyone else is and what a victim they are…

that sometimes communication, no matter how much or how little, is simply not enough… the words, the efforts, the compromises are not enough… never enough

that i say what i mean, but the person hearing it hears only what they want or need to hear

that not everyone takes ownership of their own shit… sometimes they can’t even see it

that i will absolutely NOT compete with another woman for my husband’s attention, time or affection. i will quite happily share him but the moment she begins competing with me and comparing herself and their relationship to me and ours, she and i will find ourselves on a slippery downhill slide that is not going to end well for her.

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I learned many, many valuable lessons during the months that she was a part of our lives and many more in the months since we were finally able to break ties with her. I would not trade our time with her for anything. I regret the ending. I hate the drama that has followed that ending over the past few months. I hate that the drama that ensued splintered several areas of our community and forced people to choose sides and friendships. I detest the fact that even after extracting her from our lives she is still affecting our external relationships and our friendships.

But, I will take the lessons learned, all of them… the good and the bad, and move on with my life, applying those lessons learned to my new experiences, to my next relationships. I will bake only with real vanilla and make fried rice for my family using her recipe. I will remember her, with time softened fondness, every time I color my hair, paint my nails or stubbornly use green eye makeup instead of purple. I will proceed more cautiously into new relationships. I will offer less of myself in the early throes of excitement and passion. I will try harder to see people for who they really are, all of the beautiful… all of the broken… all of the light and all of the dark and I will use that sight to determine if they may be a good fit for our lives before allowing them to become ensconced in our lives.

I wish no ill will for her, this imperfect beautifully broken girl who impacted our lives in so many ways and taught us so many things. I hope that she finds the love she so desperately wants, that she finds the man who can quiet her demons and who will want her at his feet for all of his days. I wish happiness for her, light and joy and peace. I hope only the best for her life.

For a while I wished it could have ended differently but now, I simply wish for it to be ended.

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3 thoughts on “Lessons Learned… A Chapter That Needs To Be Closed

  1. Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you and your hubby have had quite the past year. What you wrote here shows to me how strong you two are together, and that, mistakes and all, you’re heading in a direction that’s posotove for you both

  2. “that there is sometimes no healthy way to keep someone in your life and no easy way to extract them from it”

    This whole piece, but specifically this sentence, completely spoke to me. when things went south between me and my husband’s girlfriend, I made the mistake of trying to find a way to keep her in my life – then I made the mistake of just extracting myself from it all. Sadly, the trade off was the stress it put on our marriage because to extract myself meant backing away from him too. Even now that she’s gone from his life – the drama that continues to swirl in some of the same ways you describe. While some days I feel like she will never be gone – I am happy she is from day to day life.

    • It sounds very, very much like the situation that we went through. And, I agree with you completely… while she may never truly be gone completely from our lives because of our very small community, I am glad that the day to day drama is done with.

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