So…. picture this… five kinky friends (who all happen to be lovers of each other to some extent as well) are standing around the kitchen while all the kids run around the house. We’re having a few drinks, making s’mores in the oven (because… rain… ugh) and just chatting about nothing really important. Add to the mix, my 19 year old son who can’t seem to stay away from the adult conversation. I know, I know… he’s 19… he’s an adult. But, he’s still my son and our adult conversations tend to lean heavily to kink, sex, and other not so he’s-my-kid-friendly topics.
At some point late in the evening the subject of a game called Second Life comes up and this kid of mine starts talking about how he plays that game. He’s a furry fox cub in the game… This is where my head starts to spin and I start pacing around the freak out tree a little.
Ok, look… I know our kids are going to grow up to be sexual deviants. I mean, fuck… look at their parents. They don’t stand much of a chance at normal at all. I’m genuinely ok with this. I love being a sexual deviant. I love kink. I love BDSM. I love this community of kinky fuckers that I call mine. However, no matter how much I love it… no matter how much I feel like this is the only community I’ve ever truly fit into, belonged too… felt totally loved and accepted in… I cannot quite get my head around bringing my kid into this community, into this lifestyle.
It’s not that I don’t think they should be here. It’s not that I don’t want them here. I just get a little lost on how to be their guide. My parents and I, we don’t talk about my sex life or theirs. They don’t know I’m bi. They don’t know I’m poly. They don’t know that I’m ridiculously happily married to the man of my dreams AND I have a boyfriend, a girlfriend and another couple that I play with, that I’m emotionally involved with one degree or another. They have no idea that I am an exhibitionist who loves to scene in public, lashed to a cross and tormented with all the owie toys in Daddy’s bag. These are things that they do not know, things they have no desire to know… things they will probably never know. So, there is no example for me to follow on how to talk to my kids about kink.
I’ve had lots of information and resources to talk to them about regular sex, monogamy, drugs, std’s, alcohol… but nothing that will help a parent to know what to say or how to handle a son who identifies as a bisexual furry with submissive tendencies. I hate to admit it, but I did not handle the conversation well at all. I had to leave the room. So, Daddy and his baby girl stayed in the kitchen and talked the boy through some of his misconceptions, cleared up a few misunderstood definitions (a sub is not a substitute… like when your husband has to be gone away travelling or whatever for a few months, you can just get a sub — yikes… ) and shared some of their experiences with him. They asked him lots of good questions and really listened to his answers.
Me… well, I was on the couch in the other room with Sexy G and his pretty browneyedgyrl, gulping wine and fighting the urge to find a quiet corner somewhere with the boy’s baby book in a flat out denial of the conversation going on in the kitchen. I was most definitely in the tip toppiest branches of our local freak out tree. And, that is pretty much where I stayed for the rest of the night.
Now it’s morning. The sun is coming up (albeit, behind all the big ugly rain clouds), and the alarm is going off because it’s time to take the boy to the airport so he can fly back home. I had to get down out of the freakout tree to take him to the airport. I’ve always been the one my kids can talk to about anything from drugs to sex and anything in between. I knew I needed to be someone he could talk to about this. I have some experience. I have some amazing mentors and access to excellent resources. And, if anyone is going to give him good and accurate advice that has his safety and best intentions at heart, it’s going to be me. So I crawled down out of the freakout tree and got in the car with him and started the conversation.
We talked about safe words and safe calls. We talked about practicing safe sex and the repercussions of careless sexuality. We talked about the importance of negotiations and how even slaves and their masters negotiate the terms of their dynamic before entering into it. We talked about what a munch is and why he should find a local group and attend a few. We talked about your kink is not my kink and why that is important. He said some things that made me a very proud mama. He wants to learn. He wants to be careful. He doesn’t want to hurt himself or his partner(s).
I pointed him in the direction of some people in his local community who I trust. I’m looking for reading material to send to him and I’ve told him that we are here for him. We’ll answer his questions and give him the best advice we can. It’s weird and somewhat awkward, for sure… but I do love the fact that he knows he can trust us enough to have this conversation with him. What a strange day.
Any advice and suggestions of resources to help a slightly at-a-loss-mama out would be greatly appreciated.