When we are growing up, the world we live in dictates to us what kind of sexuality is acceptable and what is not. The media, the government, the educational system, the church are all determined to tell you what version of your personal sexuality is ok and what turn ons are acceptable. Sexuality is not open for discussion or discovery and certainly not available to be determined or defined by the one living with it and anything outside of the accepted norm of turn ons is something to feel ashamed of, to feel guilty for experiencing…. something we are taught that is not normal, not acceptable and not allowed.
Today, I say fuck that bullshit. It is your sexuality. You are the one living with it every minute of every day. You are the one fighting the internal battle of figuring out just who you are and what you want. You are the one looking for someone whose sexuality and turns ons match yours. How will you find that if you can’t take a good, honest look at yourself and figure out who you are and what you want. Determine your own fucking sexuality. Define it for yourself. Own that shit (even if you have to do so quietly, under the radar or only with those who will understand). And, then… go find some people like you to spend your time with. Get your sexy on. Get your kink on. Man, just do your thing with people who get you without judging you. Fuck society. Fuck the media. Fuck anyone who tells you that what you want, who you are is something to be ashamed of. If you are within the law and embracing safe, sane and consensual practices… don’t let anyone else tell you what you can want, need or desire.
I grew up in a very small, very Southern Baptist town in Texas. While my family weren’t exactly church goers, they were very stiff morally and I did get involved with the church on my own at a very young age. So in addition to my family instilling very cut and dry one boy and one girl sexuality in me, I also had the church reinforcing that and adding the fornication is a sin factor to it as well. And of course, all the fairy tales about Prince Charming and perfect love and one true soul mate were piled on like icing on the cake.
The catch to all of this attempted conformity is that my genes dictated a very different way of being for me. I knew very young that I liked girls and boys. I also knew from a very young age that I liked sex and pretty much all things sexual. I was always the friend you could tell any sexual thing too and I wouldn’t bat an eye, no matter how strange or different or off the charts it was. The problem with the difference between what was supposed to be ok and what I knew to be true about myself, is that it created years and years and years of internal battles for me. I will be 39 in a few months and I am just now, in the last few years, learning that my sexuality does not have to be defined by anyone but me. With that revelation comes a different sort of internal conflict. If my sexuality is mine to determine, mine to define, mine to own… what is it. How do I determine it, how do I define it, how do I own it?
The possibilities are seemingly endless when you start thinking about it, when you start learning about it. If you take a serious, honest and very real look at what you want sexually what do you see? What is your sexuality? What turns you on? Who are you as a sexual being?
Maybe you are…. Boy in a girl’s body. Girl in a boy’s body. Sometimes a boy. Sometimes a girl. Sometimes neither. Somewhere in transition. Gay. Straight. Bi-sexual. Sapiosexual. Asexual. Polysexual. Pansexual. Transexual. Poly. Open. Monogamous. Non-Monogamous. Top. Bottom. Submissive. Slave. Dom. Domme. Master. Sir. Daddy. Sadist. Masochist. Pain slut. Rope bunny. Pet. Puppy. Kitty. Pony. Mistress. Mommy. Boi. Brat. Fucktoy. Switch. Swinger. Slut. Prude. Tease. Curious. Cross dresser. Kinky. Deviant. Exhibitionist. Voyeur. … the list could go on and on and on.
It has taken several years for me to figure this out for myself and I believe that I am probably not done defining myself, even now. But if I were to answer this question about myself today I would have to say…
I am a playful, loving and well loved, flirty, slutty, sometimes submissive, bratty, bisexual, kinky, baby pain slut, princess. A non-monogamous, poly, swinger woman exhibitionist who gets off on dressing up and being shown off, watching my husband fuck others and watching those I love find themselves and figure out just what their own sexuality entails. I love being shared, being hurt, being pushed, being drug around by my hair, choking on cock, being told what to do, having a booted foot on my back or my cheek, being watched, being wanted. A woman more like a girl. A girl with an affinity for knife play, breath play, fire play, impact play, bruises, being controlled. A girl who loves group play, lasting relationships, amazing sex, open honesty, equality, compersion, attention, adoration, and anything completely and totally girly. Oh… and I have a thing for pretty feet, too.
I think that about covers it. And to think… according to the world I grew up in, I am supposed to want one man who only wants one woman for all of the rest of our lives. I’m supposed to grow up and get married, make babies and settle into a life of monogamy… raising babies, paying bills, being responsible, having quiet, non-controversial sex in the privacy of my bedroom with only my husband.
Oh! My! God! Just the fucking thought of that makes me want to poke my fucking eyeballs out with a dull knife. NOOOOOOOOOO — Fucking…. just NO!!!! Give me excitement. Give me variety. Give me fun, kinky, rough, wild, push the envelope sexual encounters that will bring a blush to my cheeks and a smile to my lips for years and years and years to come. Throw me up on a cross. Snap my cuffs into place and slice my panties to shreds with your knife, flog me, cane me, whip me till I scream… while the whole dungeon watches. Take me to a wild swingers party, find the most fun eight people in the place and steal away to a private room… everyone touching everyone, pleasure overwhelming. Make me scream so loud the neighbors think I’m being raped and the cops come. Pull over on the side of the highway and fuck me over the hood of the car. Whisper filthy, naughty things in my ear with your fist in my hair and your cock pounding me from behind. Do not give me normal. Do not give me morally correct. Give me danger… adventure… lusty, unimaginably filthy desire. Give me something to make me feel alive.
If we are lovers, share your fantasies with me, let’s make them come true. Give me the keys to your dark places, your deepest desires. Let’s experiment. Let’s play. Let’s do things other people would deny even existed. Let’s revel in the truth of who we really are. Let’s just fucking live.
Who are you? Feel free to share in the comments.
Some links you may find useful as you search for your own definitions.